On the eve of my 36th birthday, I am attempting
to think positively and to be grateful for another year, instead of whining and worrying about what I haven't accomplished yet. Today I went for a mani/pedi to treat myself
and while in the chair I thought of how, on my wedding day, I walked down the
aisle sans a fake fingernail. It had
broken off within hours of getting it the day before and there was no time to
get it fixed before the ceremony. I hid
my fingers in the wedding pictures. That
got me thinking about how, no matter how hard I try, I am often sort of a
clumsy mess. When I was a little
younger, that thought would have bothered me.
Now, I understand that my flaws are a part of who I am and I am happy to
accept the mess that I am.
I have made a lot of mistakes. I have inadvertently hurt people whom I
love. I have made poor choices. I have failed to launch, at least in the way
I thought I wanted to launch. I am
flawed.
Even so, the flaws that I have made are lessons, not
regrets. If I loved someone before, I
always will, even if it ended badly.
Maybe that is a flaw in and of itself, but it is part of who I am, and I
think I would rather hang on to a little love for people I lost and take the
lesson than spend time regretting lost friendships. That lesson is to love without regard for
feelings. That does not really seem to
make sense, but somehow, that is it.
The lessons add up, and getting a little older allows me a
better perspective on what I have had, what I have done, and what I can do
better. I will never be flawless. Flawed is better than fake. Even my fabulous nails are real now, but I’m
sure I’ll break one soon. My goal is
not, as it was when I was younger, to be flawless. The idea now is just to flaw less.
