Flaw Less

On the eve of my 36^th birthday, I am attempting to think positively and to be grateful for another year, instead of whining and worrying about what I haven't accomplished yet.  Today I went for a mani/pedi to treat myself and while in the chair I thought of how, on my wedding day, I walked down the aisle sans a fake fingernail.  It had broken off within hours of getting it the day before and there was no time to get it fixed before the ceremony.  I hid my fingers in the wedding pictures.  That got me thinking about how, no matter how hard I try, I am often sort of a clumsy mess.  When I was a little younger, that thought would have bothered me.  Now, I understand that my flaws are a part of who I am and I am happy to accept the mess that I am. 

I have made a lot of mistakes.  I have inadvertently hurt people whom I love.  I have made poor choices.  I have failed to launch, at least in the way I thought I wanted to launch.  I am flawed.

Even so, the flaws that I have made are lessons, not regrets.  If I loved someone before, I always will, even if it ended badly.  Maybe that is a flaw in and of itself, but it is part of who I am, and I think I would rather hang on to a little love for people I lost and take the lesson than spend time regretting lost friendships.  That lesson is to love without regard for feelings.  That does not really seem to make sense, but somehow, that is it. 

The lessons add up, and getting a little older allows me a better perspective on what I have had, what I have done, and what I can do better.  I will never be flawless.  Flawed is better than fake.  Even my fabulous nails are real now, but I’m sure I’ll break one soon.  My goal is not, as it was when I was younger, to be flawless.  The idea now is just to flaw less.