In Bed

I have wondered for a long time whether anyone can really love their significant other for the “rest of their lives”.  If we are lucky, our families are a constant, and we can depend on them and offer and receive unconditional love with them throughout the lifespan.  If we are not as fortunate, they may slip in and out of our lives like everyone else.  Even childhood friends do not, under normal circumstances, remain friends for life.  We may love them, but as we grow we take different paths.  People change.  Lives change.  Love changes.  So how can it be that we are expected to commit to and to love one person forever, to always remain amicable with them, to spend time with that person every day, and to share their bed at night…until death do us part?

Vows are an interesting phenomenon.  Loving, honoring, and cherishing a significant other for the rest of one’s life is likely the most profound promise a person can make.  You are promising to keep that person in your life, as a constant, forever.

Sure, you like him right now.  After all, he makes you feel happy and he wants you to be his forever.  You could not ask for more.  He is your perfect dream come true.  But will you feel the same when he loses his job or starts to drink too much?  What if he gets into bed with someone else?  If the worst case scenario should happen, will you love him enough to be by his side for the rest of your life?  Can you get through that?  Would you even want to try?

Yes, she is beautiful and will likely make a good mother to your children.  But will you adore her when her body changes after having those children?  Will you love her when she is too tired or depressed to give you any shred of attention or to even offer a little bit of kindness?  Or how would feel if instead she experiences fertility problems and cannot give you the son you always wanted?  If she takes a job in which she makes more money than you do, and you have to uproot your life, will you follow her across the world?  Will you still love and support her?

What if he or she turns out to be nothing like the person you fell in love with? 

There is no guarantee that we will love the person we have vowed lie next to in bed for the rest of our lives.  So why do we do it?  What makes us promise forever?  We could break those vows, but if we made our bed, we should lie in it.  Right? 

Marriage can protect us, help us, strengthen us and give us a lifetime partner, someone to rock in a chair on the porch next to someday.  Or it can destroy us.  

So many people jump into marriage blindly because they are madly in lust, think that they are doing the “right thing”, or simply because they are co-dependent and just want someone, anyone, to be there.   We get married because of our instilled morals, our idealistic views, and our need to be with another person.  Yet, no matter how much one person loves another, marriage is sometimes difficult.  It will test you, change you, and sometimes even hurt you.  Sometimes, forever will seem like too long to be in one bed. 

Some people lie in the bed that they made.  They make it work.  They love unconditionally.  Others lie in a bed filled with empty promises, unhappiness or even loathing.  Some just get up and move on.   

No one can see the future.  No one can say that happily ever after exists.  All we can do is make sure that the vows we make are vows that we are ready to keep.  If we cannot say that we will love forever, we should not make that commitment. 

Still, sometimes life throws us circumstances that we are not equipped to handle.  When the marital bed no longer offers any happiness, we have to change it.  Yet, when we have tried our best and worked so hard to make it comfortable but we still wake up hurting in the morning, it may be time to leave it behind. 

The thing is...a vow is a vow.  A promise is a promise.  When love fades, it may be possible to give it light, to feed it, and to make it grow again.  A person should leave a marriage only when every viable solution has been tried.  A marriage should end only when love is truly dead, with no chance of revival.

Sometimes it dies, and that is the way it is. 

Life is too short to be unhappy in bed.