I’m kicking my own ass. Not in a Jim Carrey sort of way, but still very definitely kicking my own ass.
I have been playing this incessantly looping and hateful inner dialogue in my head for as long as I can remember. I tell myself I am stupid because I forgot something, even if all I forgot was where I left my keys. I tell myself that I am failing my children. I tell myself that I am unattractive. I tell myself that everything is my fault. And I should have said less. I could have done better. I could have done more. I could have tried harder. I could have been better. I tell myself that because I am not perfect, I do not deserve love.
I’m an idiot. I can’t believe I did that. God, I’m a moron. The self-deprecating phrases are so ingrained in my thoughts that I have become a passive victim to their abuse. By allowing my mind to wander into loathing, I am ruining myself from the inside out.
I never even realize that my mind is attacking me until, without warning, the words are spoken aloud to my friends. My friends feign shock that I should feel that way about myself, even though they do it too. They never realize it either. We say that we’re ugly and fat and stupid and not worthy of anything good. When the words are out there, it sounds like a pity party so we all make a concerted effort to remind each other how great we all are and how silly it is for us to be so down on ourselves. It becomes this big Semi-Annual Love Fest of the Mutual Admiration Society. Then we thank one another and feel better for a minute. And as soon as we are alone again we go back to berating ourselves.
I have kicked myself for being a dumb ass, having a big ass, and loving a jackass. I kick myself for not getting any ass. I kick myself for being a pain in the ass. Yes, all of that may be true on some level, but why the hell do I do that to myself? Why don’t I love and value myself the way that I love and value the people in my life? I can overlook their flaws. I can forgive them, even if they have somehow contributed to the hateful dialogue. I can love them anyway.
I want it to change.
Yet I keep kicking my own ass.
7 comments:
I'm grateful that I met your ass.
and I find it hysterical that my word verification was "grabby"
Another amazing post... I think a lot of us could work on acknowledging our own strengths and our own beauty a little more often.... Keep 'em comin'!
I'm so happy to have found you again (or did u find me??? well, who cares...). And I'm even happier that you are finding yourself. Acknowleding what we do is the very 1st step to get back on track. Isn't it???
Get one of those dry erase markers and in the mirror that you look into most often write "Be gentle with yourself." Then get some post-it notes and post the same thing in all of your most visited places. Say it when you wake up and before you go to sleep. Don't just hear it, listen. There is nothing wrong with being perfectly flawed. <3
Yay! You realize we are our own worse enemies. Now you can work on how to be your own friend and to like and ultimately love the unique person you have been created to be. Be as tolerant of your flaws as you are of others and celebrate your stregnths.
I love Amy's comment: "There is nothing wrong with being perfectly flawed." I so agree, that is one of the elements that makes us unique.
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